How Anxiety Rules My Life…

I have had anxiety since I can remember. I remember worrying so much as a child and not knowing why I thought about everything so much. There have been many stepping stones to get me to the point where I am today. I am the farthest person from an expert on anxiety but I want to share my typical anxious day.  Many people think that you can just turn anxiety off but I can’t (No one who has anxiety can) because it is on constant replay inside my head 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

 

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Many people who have anxiety have certain triggers which send you into anxiety “attacks”
to which you have no control of. My triggers are my children or husband getting sick, my family husband & children being out of the house, worries that someone I love may die, my home being messy or dirty and being out in public having to touch things that in my head most likely has the germ that just might kill me. I am a self  diagnosed a germ-a-phobe. Even though logically I know that a lot of my anxious thoughts are irrational I can not turn off the anxiety what-so-ever. The stigma on anxiety needs to be spoken about so that people understand how hard it is to live with it every single day.

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In a perfect world I would stay in my house and clean & disinfect all day. But that is not good for my social life so I try not to. I am a very social person even though a lot of times it gives me anxiety to be with people. I have a husband and 4 children, 3 with me and 1 in heaven. Losing my baby girl is one  of the stepping stones that I spoke of earlier. My boys are 15 and 12 and have to leave the house for 6:45 and 7:05a.m.. My husband also leaves for work at 7:05 a.m. I roll out of bed at 6:32 a.m. Some times I wake up anxious and sometimes it isn’t too bad. There is never really a rhyme or reason to it. Today for example I had to food shop so after a shower and my coffee I got my daughter 9 off to the bus. I am lucky my kids pretty much get themselves ready for school packing lunches, getting dressed, and all that. I do brush and put up my daughters hair for her. After she is one the bus I usually got back to the house and get my house stuff done. This is my Zen time. Cleaning. It is my anxiety reliever. Although that sounds awesome to most people it is very ridged and there is a place for everything and everything must be in its place and wiped cleaned.  I may have a touch of O.C.D. I believe :-/  After starting the laundry  and making sure the sink is empty, the house is spotless and clean to my precise manner I left for the store. This bothers my anxiety quite a bit. I always have hand sanitizer on me and wipes to wipe down the carts. Again you never know what pesky germ might be out there. Touching all the product and don’t even get me started about the checkout lane. EW! I can’t even tell you how many time I sanitize my hands. It is quite  a lot lets just say.

My head is on a constant spin cycle. Thinking about everything & what pops up could be anything really, about todays things I think I have to get done ( Because for me if I think about it I have to get it done or I worry and my anxiety flares higher. I can’t just leave it for tomorrow ) I worry about something that might of happened last year, what something someone said to me that made me sad or upset or frustrated whenever ago,  or something that might happen could be good, bad or scary in the future tomorrow or 10 years from now. It’s like having a thousand tabs open on your computer and you have to think and think and think about each and every single tab all day long. Usually it even last through out the night. My brain really worries/thinks all day everyday..

I do know rationally/logically that it isn’t normal but my anxiety escalades so high for me to ignore so my relief is to clean and sanitize. I forge ahead knowing that I have to get the food we need no matter what. I ended up at 3 different stores (Typical for me) and didn’t cry or just leave so I considered it a success + I had a van load full of food for my family.

I came home had to re-sanitize the house after putting all the groceries away, switch and fold laundry and vacuum because before I left for the store I noticed and picked up a string on the floor so I mental noted to vacuum after I was done carrying all the groceries in.   The day is not even over and I am exhausted. Once everyone is home from school and work they immediately wash their hands when they step in the door. I sanitize everything one more time just to be sure. I have dinner on the table for my hard working husband no matter how I feel because he deserves a hot meal after working so hard.

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Some days are okay and I can handle life/my anxiety and some days I just cry and don’t leave the house. I do how ever get a lot of house cleaning done on those days.  I am sure my landlord appreciates my cleanliness. At least I hope so.

I am a wife, a Mom, a sister, a friend, a daughter, the stranger standing next to you at the store who struggles with anxiety, depression & mental illness. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy…not that I have one. I am not afraid to talk about it. I do the best I can each day. Some times I am awesome & sometimes I suck big time. Most days I can fake it and make you believe nothing is wrong. I will smile, be bubbly and do whatever I can to help others. But my anxiety is always there tapping me on the shoulder or whispering in my ear every minute of every hour of everyday. This is how my anxiety effects my daily life.

Everyone’s Anxiety is different. I can only speak for mine.

I am the Red Headed Housewife.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “How Anxiety Rules My Life…

  1. Heidi this is a great post! I also struggle with anxiety and often worry and wish there was an off switch to my brain! I think it’s important to talk about this and kudos to you for writing about it. Hugs!!

    Liked by 1 person

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