It will be 17 year ago this August 28th that my life and the person I was changed forever. Let me take you back… I was a 19 year old girl, I was 39 weeks pregnant, seemingly without a care in the world, naïve as a small child and thought to the world I was invincible. I was WRONG! SO Very Wrong!
I got pregnant at 18 ( I know… I know… I was very young) I was with my then boyfriend (Now Husband) for only a 3 months (A story for another time). Anyway we met…fell into love and 3 months later we found out we’re pregnant. I had what our medical world likes to call a “normal” pregnancy. I had monthly prenatal care, took my prenatal vitamins and did everything by the book. I was young but I wanted nothing more than to be a Mother. I had the normal 2 ultrasounds and everything looked well…”Normal”.
Till the early morning of August 28 when I woke up in what I thought might be labor. I walked around our tiny apartment for awhile trying to figure out what I was feeling and what I should do. Meanwhile my boyfriend was sleeping in bed. I mean why wake him when I didn’t even know what was going on. After 2 hours the contractions got closer together and I got a little more convinced that it was the REAL deal labor. So I woke my now husband and told him it was time. He called his Mom and she came to get us and off to the hospital we went. I remember on the way to the hospital feeling like something was off but I figured it was just labor and hoped I wouldn’t be sent home cause I wasn’t in labor once we got there.
Fast forward – I was put in the maternity triage room… that room was where everything changed. A very sweet and kind nurse came in did all her paperwork, blood pressure and asked a million questions. Just doing her normal everyday job. Then she put the Doppler on my belly to look for a heart beat. She swished & prodded & swished & prodded all over my belly for what seemed like an eternity. But that darn wand couldn’t find our baby’s heartbeat. She tried to reassure me that this happens regularly and to try to not worry. She was just going to go get an ultrasound machine and see what was going on in there.
The ultrasound was brought in. Our lives were changed and hearts were broken forever. All with these 10 words. “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat. Your baby has died” There was some very professional people who handled us wonderfully and there were some real jerks. But it didn’t matter our baby had died. In what was suppose to be the safest pace on earth…. At least so I thought…. Again I was wrong.
After 15 hours of labor I gave birth to our beautiful baby girl, who we named Anna Kiara. Her death was cause by a 4X nuchal cord accident. (Her cord was wrapped around her 4 times.) She was beautiful & perfect. She just looked like she was sleeping. She was our angel. She will forever be our angel. We held her for hours, bathed her with help of our amazing nurse, dressed her & had her Baptized. It was amazing and heartbreaking. I wanted more time, more minutes, more hours, more days, more years. All we got was 8 hours and it was not long enough. We wanted a lifetime with her not only one night. We wanted to hear her cry, to look into her eyes and to take her home with us. We just had so much more planned for her. That was the most precious day and the hardest day of my life. The second hardest day was her funeral.
Anna will ALWAYS be our firstborn. She will always be apart of our family. She will always be loved and missed every single day. At least to the day I die. I explain it to people that there is always a proverbial empty seat no matter where we go. I always feel someone is missing. Anna. People tell me I am such a strong woman. I am not. Losing a child is the worst pain in this world. There were many day I didn’t stop crying or leave my bed. I have learned to live with the pain and will always feel her loss. It is not something anyone just gets over. It is a lifetime of grieving. I speak of Anna any chance I get. It shocks some people when I mention her & her death. But they are only uncomfortable for that moment, for me it is a lifetime of heartache.
Our society doesn’t like to talk about babies/children dying because it is not the way things should go. But it happens pretty often and to us that have had a baby die…. She/he matters. It matters to us that you hear our story and speak their names. For me it is therapy to talk about Anna. It means the world and warms our heart to hear their names. That means you remember them too. You can’t hurt us any more that we already hurt. Saying our child’s name makes that day better for us because someone else remembers our baby too.
Some People Only Dream Of Angels! I Held One in My Arms!
The Red Headed Housewife