There I was standing in the grocery store check out lane. Chatting nicely with the cashier as she chirped all my food through the cash register. It wasn’t until she had told me the total for my groceries that I thought “Oh My Gosh” I could not believe I had accidently forgot my purse & wallet at home. The tears started welling up in my eyes & I was feeling like a complete idiot. I whispered asking her to please cancel my order. I apoligised profusely and left with out looking back at the incredibly long line of people behind me. I got into the car and held back my anxiety attack the best I could because I had all 3 of my children with me. Anxiety attacks are terrible but holding one back is horrendously difficult. I tried to call my best friend…my husband. Neither one answered. Adding yet another layer of panic the proverbial cherry on top. I had no one to blame but myself. I forgot. People forget things all the time. But in that moment I felt so alone & panicked.
My anxiety has gradually affected more & more recently. It scares the crap out of me. I cant tell you an exact reason why but it effects my life some how some way every single day.
You can’t see it. The anxiety that is. I look like a perfectly normal lady, mom…person from the outside. But it is there always ready to attack. It turns the simpliest of moments into the deepest darkest moment of despair. You know logically that it was no big deal but the panic takes over you like a speeding train and you can not stop it. You never know when or where or why it hits you. But when it does in that moment it feels like the world is ending.
Somehow I managed to drive us all home safely. I couldnt say a word I just ran inside to the bathroom and lost it. I cried hard and my heart was racing. I just wanted to run and get away from the despair in my head. But there was no where to run. No where to hide. No one to hug me and tell me its going to be OK.
It is shockingly lonely in those moments. You dont want to burden people. You dont want anyone to see you fall apart. You just sit there alone and the anxiety bursts out of you like Niagara Falls. The shaking, the racing heart, the rapid breaths and the tears. The impulsive urge to run away but you have absolutely nowhere to go.
Wednesday I had felt the anxiety quickly building up all day long. I held it together pretty well all day. But it was there scratching at the surface itching to get out. I had made dinner and was serving it to my family. It was then that a french fry fell into my lemonade. That was all it took. I sat at the table fighting back the tears so that they wouldn’t run down my face. It was awful. I could barely choke down my dinner. All I could think of was really a french fry….in my lemonade. It was rediculous to me that that was what sent me over the edge. I knew that logically that I could just get another cup of lemonade but the anxiety had won. I went to my room and lost it. I felt defeated after trying so hard to keep it check all day.
I wish people could understand. Anxiety is not something you can control or a game any one wants to play. Mental illness in any way, shape or fashion is unbelievably difficult. I wish everyday for my anxiety to end. Every. Single. Day.
There are so many who don’t understand the struggle. People who are quick to judge a person who looks totally normal. People who have never felt any thing close to what an anxiety attack feels like. For that they should be grateful.
Anxiety is exhausting, lonely & unexplainably difficult.
Today was just another day of me fighting, struggling and sometimes failing to handle my life with anxiety. I try my hardest everyday to tuck it away some where. Hoping that it won’t escape but some days the anxiety is just more than I can handle. Usually it is the most random normal thing that sets it off.
I am a Wife, a Mom, a Sister, a Daughter & a Friend. I love my family and my life. Anxiety doesnt define me it is just one part of me. I will not stop fighting. But I will fight for those who struggle like I do.
Please Find Compassion. Find Love. Find Acceptance. We are all human and we all have our own struggles. Let’s all try to be more patient and understanding with one another. ❤