I have meant to sit down to blog for over a week now. But about 3 weeks ago our family decided to go from a brick and mortar public school for our children to an online Charter school. There has been so much work, learning, and paperwork to prove their existence that I have been overwhelmed and busy taking care of enrolling 3 children into a new school. Which is no small feat mind you. I am so close to being done today I have the new parent online orientation today. I am expecting lots of excitement & confetti….Not.
It is also August. The month that Anna was born & died. The entire month is physically and emotionally exhausting. The anxiety and panic I feel has flown way over the point that I can explain how I feel to you. Anna would be 17 on Sunday. Wow!! How is that possible. I will never get over her death. I will never forget her. She is and will always be apart of our family. I think of her daily. I wonder who she would look like, What her personality would be like. There is a lifetime of things that you miss when your baby dies. Every year brings new wonders and a slew of lifetime milestones that you think about on a regular basis. I love her and miss her more than words can express. August is just plain hard. If you don’t understand what I am talking about I am glad.
I have been struggling to feel worthy, feeling like what I do and who I am is enough for my family, my kids, my husband & my friends. I have always felt in someway that I am just not good enough. Is it just part of the mental illness?? Constantly questioning yourself and worrying that you are not worthy or strong enough to handle whatever life throws at you. There is a strong mama bear feeling screaming inside my head that I’m an adult with responsibilities and I should be able to handle anything and everything that happens in life. The good with the bad. But with layers upon layers of thoughts, feeling, fears, choices, concerns, sadness, housework, bills, school and much… much more.. It has been so very difficult for me to keep myself & everything together. I do not feel strong. I do not feel able to stand strong. I just feel overwhelmed. When you hide all these these things form the outside world for so long eventually it just wipes you out. Mental illness is no joke. It is exhausting. How do you pull yourself back upright. How do you get your brain out of the fog?? How do you climb out of the deep dark hole?? When is enough…enough??
I don’t have the answers. All I do know is that I am tired. I want to be OK, Feel OK & Do good for others. I want to feel like I am enough … I am not sure that even makes sense. But I feel weighed down by this heaviness that I can’t put into words. Other that feeling stuck only that is sugar coating it. I can’t get to that “good” place by feeling this fogginess and heaviness. It feels like I’m drowning and no one can see me or cares.