Are You Highly Sensitive??

I am a highly sensitive person. My feelings are stronger, deeper and more intense than the average person. I have instincts like a Jedi. I get intense gut feeling about things, people, situations. I can tell you I can’t think of one time that my instincts have ever been wrong. Being highly sensitive in known by many as wearing your heart on your sleeve or being a feeler. I am also an anxious person who worries about every single thing that I do & what happens in every relationship I care & give my all too.  When we love, we love with our entire heart,mind and soul.  When we care, we will do everything possible to show you how much we care about you. All these people who are apart of our lives that we love and care wholeheartedly.  We would do whatever they need before ever thinking of ourselves.

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Along with this sensitivity comes a heart that is overfilled with so many emotions and feeling that the even smallest act, phrase or smallest change can break our hearts into a million pieces. The best analogy I can relate this to is an egg. If you treat an egg carefully & gently the egg remains intake and safe. Accidentally bump, crack or drop the egg and everything flows out.

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My perception of the world revolves around how people & the environment make me feel. Because of my anxiety, depression and panic. This makes my sensitivity exceed a million times more than I can put into words.  I can wear the most convincing mask of smiles and normalcy that you would never know that I am struggling that day or that my feelings are hurt. It is tiring and exhausting but I’d rather know that you think I am normal than to have you ever know my true raw, painful insecurities or real feelings.

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The great thing about being highly sensitive is that it makes me… me. I have true compassion for people. I can read people and know how to react to them in a way that makes them comfortable. Most people who know me will tell you I would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. Because I know what its like to be without. I am also very conscientious about building people up, giving out compliments & showing kindness to everyone and anyone. I know how it feels to be torn down so I always try brighten someones day with a kind word or compliment.  I am a good friend because once you and I are friends I do not take that lightly. I will care, love and support you unconditionally with what ever you may need. Even putting your needs before mine.

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Relationships are truly very difficult for me. I make a really crappy part time friend because I am either literally all in or I’m out. I usually warn people about that the first time we meet, when & if we click. I have no in between besides acquaintances. But I don’t ever take off my mask for people I don’t know.  I need a connection, I need reassurances and I need to feel accepted within my friendships. It is sadly out of my own insecurities. Because I feel these intense feelings because I have a history. A painful one.

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I feel so many things it is usually overwhelming for me. I also overthink everything so its like having 12,746 tabs open on your computer. I have thoughts and feelings about every single one all at the same time. I have stuffed so many painful feelings deep within me for so many years that I have become the broken egg. It is not pretty, it down right sucks & it is full of very dark days. It is also extremely emotionally, mentally & physically exhausting. People say they care and tell you they will be there whenever you need them. I believe in their heart of hearts they want to mean that. But reality is that it can not truly be the case. Because every one is busy, has their own responsibilities and are usually dealing with their own problems.  But the thought is there so they are trying.

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Being Sensitive makes it hard to know who you can rely on to open up and be yourself with. It’s difficult to deal with the the sensitivity and intense emotions. It’s not easy to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Its hard to take off your mask. The fear of rejection & nonacceptance is a highly likely. Therefore I tend to hide behind a mask of normalcy to look on the outside that everything is fine and all is well with the world. But truly on the inside I get hurt easily by the simplest things, I am always afraid of losing the people I love and care for, and constantly worried that someone will judge me before they truly understand the real, true, honest me. I am highly sensitive but I am also a great friend, great person and a friendly loyal soul. Who happens to be a very sensitive person.

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To My Amazing Best Friend-

Thank You!!  I appreciate you. I love you so much ❤ You are such an Amazing Woman, Person & Friend ❤ Your unconditional love,care and support is such a beautiful blessing. I am forever thankful every day for having the amazing gift of having you (And Your Family) in my life.

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I have never ever had a friend like you. You love and care about me without question. You can see through my smiling mask hiding my struggles with a smile. You see through the wall I’ve built and can read my anxieties, emotions & fears like a book even when no one else can see me struggling. I appreciate you and love you so much more than I can put into words.  I can not imagine my life without you in it. I would give you the world before ever thinking of myself.

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You are Beautiful. You are Kind. You are Giving. You Love Unconditionally. You are Supportive. You are Sweet. You are Intelligent. You are a Ray of Sunshine. You are My Calm. You are Accepting. You are Funny. You are so many wonderful things. Most days I feel I don’t deserve to be the unbelievably lucky lady who gets to call you my Best Friend.

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Thank you for being by my side loving me through the good days. Thank you for staying with me supporting me (literally holding me up) through the really difficult days. I am very sorry that the bad has out weighed the good lately. Please know how much it breaks my heart to not be able to be the best friend that you deserve.  I know that dealing with me & everything lately has been VERY difficult. I know because it is extremely hard for me to handle as well & feel like such a burden. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for not walking away when times got tough. Thank you for all the comfort, reassurance, love and support. I am forever grateful for the integrity , strength and grace you have shown me with your incredible friendship.

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It is quite rare the friendship we have. Our friendship is precious to me. I have had only a few friends over the years but I was always the care taker. That is just who I am. I love to be with and care for people. I would give and do for others long before I would do anything for myself. But I never have experienced being cared for like you care about me.  That feeling is priceless.  I can not tell you how much that means to me. I do not take a moment of your time, love, and support for granted. With out you I wouldn’t be here today. Thank You for your encouragement and reassurance that life will get better. Thank you for helping me fight & encouraging me to keep fighting to get through every single day.

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If someone would of told me over 2 years ago that we would become Best friends. I knew. The day we met we were instant friends. We clicked & bonded quickly. I knew in my heart that you were placed in my life for a reason. You give me strength when I have none, you love me when I don’t love myself, you care for me when I can not care for myself. You have held me up when I couldn’t stand and you are the reason I want to live to see another day.  I am eternally grateful for you ❤

One day I will give you all that you have given me back and more. Because you deserve all of these things as well ❤

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I wish there were words to tell you how much I appreciate everything you are to me. I know for sure that we were suppose to meet and we were suppose to be in each others life. I know I am far from perfect. I struggle with life. I trip over my own insecurities & have an overly sensitive heart. I am broken in many ways. I worry to much. But you see through all my imperfections and see the good in me. Thank You for seeing past the struggles and loving me for the person I am. Thank you for staying by my side so I don’t have to fight alone. I could never put into words how much that means to me. You are Amazing in so many ways. I hope you know how much you mean to me and how special you & your friendship are to me. ❤

I love You ❤

I appreciate You!! ❤

You Matter to Me ❤

I am here for you always & forever no matter what. Anytime! Any day!

Please keep believing in me!! Please don’t give up on me ….

With Love,

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Why we switched to Homeschooling!!

OK….Let’s be honest here I have only been homeschooling for 3 weeks. But I am already a HUGE fan of this learning platform. We have switched my 3 kids from a brick & mortar school with in our community district to a online Virtual Charter School. The Charter School we choose has went above and beyond to embrace our family and make us feel welcome. They have totally exceeded my expectations so for. This particular home school is still a public school. My children have teachers & schedules to follow along with individual work to do on their own. I am what they call a Learning Coach. I guide and assist when ever the need pops up. This primarily happens with my 2 younger children. Which is great for me because I know I would stink as a teacher. But I can help with spelling tests, answering questions and grading quizzes with an answer key.

It is also a blessing because we as a whole family have always followed a schedule. My son with High functioning Autism needs a schedule to create peace in his day and help him get through his day with out any surprises that would upset him. Should anything new or different happen on any particular day I prep him ahead of time to prepare him for that days changes.

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I have seen my children all grow in so many ways it blows any thoughts of doubt I ever had that I could not be a homeschooling Mom. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I knew that I needed a team  behind me for support. This school has been great in creating a partnership  with our family and making sure we are all happy and thriving. I can not believe the kindness, patience and communication this school brings not only with each student but also providing an amazing support system for the parents.

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It is amazing to watch your children start out with a brand new concept, see them gradually learning each new step, grasping onto each detail, planting each piece of knowledge into their minds, then accomplishing & mastering the lesson. To be a part of that is such an honor. I love being here to watch them learn, to know what they are learning about. I love knowing my hands are helping build their education.  Watching their excitement when they succeed and even being here for them when they struggle.  It is sometimes difficult but mostly fantastic the help them through each & every day.

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Letting Go…

These words have been very hard to write and I have postponed this post for awhile. It is personal, heartfelt, dark and honest. I am releasing my inner most honest heartbroken feelings.  I need to let go of the pain & heartache I carry with me.  It is no secret that I have a very difficult with the one person who should be my biggest fan. I have and always have had very deep, dark & painful feelings about our relationship. I don’t remember every feeling like you wanted me. I feel like you had expectations of who and what you thought I should be but I’ve never measured up to what you wanted. So you used me as your proverbial verbal punching bag.

I was a good kid. I did pretty well in school. I never got in trouble at school and maintained the honor roll through High School. I have never done drugs. I have never even gotten drunk. Even as an adult today, I will have a drink but have never been drunk. I have had one speeding ticket but you know…it happens & I paid my dues.

I feel you became distant and angry with me because of your unmet expectations from very early on in my life.

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Did you know that as a young child I thought I was adopted for years??

In my head that explained why I never felt like you wanted me.

All I have ever wanted was for you to love & accept me for who I truly am.

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