It has been too long since I got a chance to sit down & blog. I have been struggling something fierce. I have been to the Doctor 3 times, the E.R. and now am starting with therapist. Let me tell you this fight is exhausting!!
Just this school year I started Homeschooling my 3 children and that takes a lot of my time too. But we are loving it so it is totally worth every second!! I miss blogging so here we go….
I am & have always been a caretaker. I put everyone else’s needs, wants,& will give them all my time, energy, love & care. Without ever giving any thought of myself or what I need, want or may truly need care for. My family and friends always come before me. They are more important and what matter most to me in my eyes. I don’t matter, they matter. I always felt it was my job to care for others and never realized that you can only give so much of yourself before you break. I have always been this way and never ever really gave it any thought because caring for everyone else is all I’ve ever knew.
I wasn’t until about 2 1/2 years ago I met my now best friend. She started to unconditionally, honestly and truly take cares of me. It was like opening the first window on the first nice day of spring. I have never ever had anyone take care of me. She loves me through good and bad. She tells me I matter, I deserve unconditional love, support and I deserve to make time to care for myself. I was blown away about how it amazing it felt to be cared for and have some one care about me, my feelings, or if I was OK.. It feels amazing to be cared for!! I am so very thankful she showed me this form of love ❤
The problem is I have absolutely NO idea how to care for me. I literally have never ever even given it a thought. I don’t know what caring for myself looks like. I am a grown woman who only knows how to care for her family and friends but I have never once thought of caring for myself. What does that look like?? It’s beyond foreign to me.
It is a very difficult struggle to fight off the terrible thoughts that come with having a mental illness. There is always a tornado of negative thoughts swirling around inside my head daily & my brain tells me that I don’t matter, I’m not worthy. I don’t deserve care, love or support even when I truly need it.It is a never ending battle against myself.
For me it stems from the trauma I suffered as a child. I grew up with a narcissistic parent who only ever cared about them selves. Anything that happened to me was all about how I was hurting that parent. I always felt that I never truly mattered to any one. My feelings were never acknowledged. I never felt accepted or loved unconditionally. These types of people control you and tear you down. They blame you for anything and everything that goes wrong. I was always walking on egg shells waiting for them to explode into an angry rage at me. They know your weaknesses and will slash at them every time they get a chance. It is a dark deep scar that is painful but I have begun to learn that this is why I put everyone else before myself. Because I was taught that I didn’t matter. I was taught I wasn’t worthy of love or care.
Now that I am struggling and DO truly need care. Sadly I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel strong enough to trudge through all those terribly wrong things I was taught. I don’t feel I deserve to take the time and care for myself. Because I have a family and responsibilities to care for them. It is important to me & I want to still be a good friend for my friends who I love.
There have been so many people who tell me to just take care of myself. I wish I could. I wish I knew how or where to start. I wish I could just turn off the part of me that only cares for & about others. I just can’t. It sounds silly but to me it is frustrating because I have no idea where to even begin. I am not a high maintenance girl. I don’t need much. I am easily content as long as everyone else is happy. I am a over thinker, I am a worrier & I am always anxious. These are the things I wish I could turn off even for a little while. That would be a wonderful feeling.
While it’s a nice thought to stop, take a break & take care of myself. After I get all my everyday to-do list of cleaning the house, caring for my husband & kids, food shopping, making meals, never ending laundry, school & this list goes on. There really isn’t time for me. I do not have the energy to think or do something for me at the end of the day. I’m exhausted. It is just not my way of doing things & not how my brain works. I was never cared for properly as a child therefor I do not know how to care for myself now as an adult.
But taking care of me is the last thing on my mind…..Unfortunately.
I worry & care about everyone & everything else. Except for myself.