Just Take Care of Yourself!!

It has been too long since I got a chance to sit down & blog. I have been struggling something fierce. I have been to the Doctor 3 times, the E.R. and now am starting with therapist. Let me tell you this fight is exhausting!!

Just this school year I started Homeschooling my 3 children and that takes a lot of my time too. But we are loving it so it is totally worth every second!! I miss blogging so here we go….

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I am & have always been a caretaker. I put everyone else’s needs, wants,& will give them all my time, energy, love & care. Without ever giving any thought of myself or what I need, want or may truly need care for. My family and friends always come before me. They are more important and what matter most to me in my eyes. I don’t matter, they matter. I always felt it was my job to care for others and never realized that you can only give so much of yourself before you break.  I have always been this way and never ever really gave it any thought because caring for everyone else is all I’ve ever knew.

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I wasn’t until about 2 1/2 years ago I met my now best friend. She started to unconditionally, honestly and truly take cares of me. It was like opening the first window on the first nice day of spring. I have never ever had anyone take care of me.  She loves me through good and bad. She tells me I matter, I deserve unconditional love, support and I deserve to make time to care for myself.  I was blown away about how it amazing it felt to be cared for and have some one care about me, my feelings, or if I was OK.. It feels amazing to be cared for!! I am so very thankful she showed me this form of love ❤

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The problem is I have absolutely NO idea how to care for me. I literally have never ever even given it a thought. I don’t know what caring for myself looks like. I am a grown woman who only knows how to care for her family and friends but I have never once thought of caring for myself. What does that look like?? It’s beyond foreign to me.

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It is a very difficult struggle to fight off the terrible thoughts that come with having a mental illness.  There is always a tornado of negative thoughts swirling around inside my head daily & my brain tells me that I don’t matter, I’m not worthy.  I don’t deserve care, love or support even when I truly need it.It is a never ending battle against myself.

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For me it stems from the trauma I suffered as a child. I grew up with a narcissistic parent who only ever cared about them selves. Anything that happened to me was all about how I was hurting that parent. I always felt that I never truly mattered to any one. My feelings were never acknowledged. I never felt accepted or loved unconditionally. These types of people control you and tear you down. They blame you for anything and everything that goes wrong. I was always walking on egg shells waiting for them to explode into an angry rage at me. They know your weaknesses and will slash at them every time they get a chance. It is a dark deep scar that is painful but I have begun to learn that this is why I put everyone else before myself. Because I was taught that I didn’t matter. I was taught I wasn’t worthy of love or care.

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Now that I am struggling and DO truly need care. Sadly I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel strong enough to trudge through all those terribly wrong things I was taught. I don’t feel I deserve to take the time and care for myself. Because I have a family and responsibilities to care for them.  It is important to me & I want to still be a good friend for my friends who I love.

There have been so many people who tell me to just take care of myself. I wish I could. I wish I knew how or where to start. I wish I could just turn off the part of me that only cares for & about others. I just can’t. It sounds silly but to me it is frustrating because I have no idea where to even begin. I am not a high maintenance girl. I don’t need much. I am easily content as long as everyone else is happy. I am a over thinker, I am a worrier & I am always anxious. These are the things I wish I could turn off even for a little while. That would be a wonderful feeling.

While it’s a nice thought to stop, take a break & take care of myself. After I get all my everyday to-do list of cleaning the house, caring for my husband & kids, food shopping, making meals, never ending laundry, school & this list goes on. There really isn’t time for me. I do not have the energy to think or do something for me at the end of the day. I’m exhausted. It is just not my way of doing things & not how my brain works. I was never cared for properly as a child therefor I do not know how to care for myself now as an adult.

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But taking care of me is the last thing on my mind…..Unfortunately.

I worry & care about everyone & everything else. Except for myself.

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4 thoughts on “Just Take Care of Yourself!!

  1. I often don’t know how to slow down and care for myself anymore since becoming a mom … Even when I’m “relaxing” I’m working on some project. I’ve learned caring for myself means doing something I enjoy doing… Spending sometime alone (I’m an introvert), sitting watching a show I enjoy, going out with a friend for a walk and talk, and yes even working on projects (preferably sitting down).

    I hope you will be able to find out what you love to do and carve out time for yourself doing what you enjoy… Maybe that includes blogging ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank You Kara ❤ I will look harder into finding things I enjoy & truly make more of an effort to make time to do that on some kind of regular basis. ❤ Thank You for sharing your thoughts ❤ Thank you for your comment ❤

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  2. I know it’s hard. I too grew up with a narcissistic parent who always put her alcohol and her needs in front of mine and I felt like I didn’t deserve to be taken care of. Things changed through the years and especially since my two boys have autism, I realised that I wouldn’t be able to take care of them and give them my all if I was always running on empty. I HAD to look after myself and give myself some selfcare to be able to give them my all. Does that make sense? Therapy helped me get here. As did mindfulness and meditation. Now I make sure I get some self care in every day. I fit it around my family of course. My needs aren’t more important than theirs, but also not less. So I fit it in where I can. Usually, I get up at 5am to have some alone time, meditate, yoga, write and read. If you find it hard to take care of yourself, think of it the other way around: You need to take care of yourself so that you can give your all to others.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank You for sharing your struggle and what you did to learn to make time for you. I also have a son on the Autism spectrum. I definitely do give my all to my family, kids & friends. But it is very hard to pour from an empty cup. Thank You for your Comment ❤

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