Do you want to know My Secret?

I have a secret. A secret that could literally kill me. It is frightening , evil and vicious. It is totally consuming of ever thing I do. I don’t tell many people about this secret because I fear judgement and rejection. I hate carrying this secret around every single day as it feels like a hear of elephants sitting on top of my chest every minute, of every hour, of every day. It is not pleasant, it is not easy and mostly it is not a choice.

My secret started as a 11 grader in High School. It was again due to the over controlling antics of my narcissistic parent. Who had me wrapped around their little finger so tight I could not see the light of day . It was something that I never thought about or had ever knew about. It just sort of started happening because I didn’t know how to cope with the painful mental, verbal and emotional abuse I had been dealing with every single day. I never felt good enough.  I never felt accepted. My feelings were never validated. I never felt unconditional love. All I knew was I did not matter.  I just stopped taking care of myself. I was at my breaking point and barely clinging onto the edge of life.dc455bf55134c4abfed47a05eb1c438c.jpgI had no idea that these feelings, thoughts and this particular coping mechanism was going to be a part of me for the rest of my life.  It was not ever in my plans or even a conscience decision to have such a terrible secret follow me into into adulthood. Like I said I had no idea it ever even existed. I just gradually grew less and less able to cope with what was going on at home. Therefor I needed something to give or else I was going to break. Or even worse, die. Ending it all, because from what I was taught from a very young child I wasn’t worthy of love, I always felt unaccepted and my feeling never mattered. Things all children need from their parents throughout their entire childhood.

I had no idea of the long term effects this secret could have on me physically, mentally or emotionally. Or that I would still have to fight it today.

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It was easy at first to hide my secret. I just tip toed around and told stories that everyone believed for awhile. I never thought about how terribly unhealthy it was for me or the consequences of what I was doing to myself. I had finally felt a release after years of pent up tension. I had never felt that before. It was barbaric in a way because I was hurting myself because someone else continuously hurt me. All because I was feeling unloved, unaccepted and unworthy by my abuser.

I have only shared my secret with a very few trusted friends because logically now as an adult I know it is a terrible disease. It is dangerous. I know that it is also a mental illness that rarely anyone ever talks about. My life has been full of struggles, some great highs, some very dark valleys, and a lot of losses that would knock any average person off their feet. But during those difficult times when I felt like I was losing my grip on life the secret was there to help me cope as terrible as I knew it was it was all I knew.  The secret was what got me through.

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I still struggle daily with handling everyday life. The biggest trigger for me is stress. I end up back with my secret for the release the the stress & tension.  I can hide the secret and tuck it away like a pro sadly.  It is amazing how oblivious people are. People who see you everyday don’t really notice at all. It’s a war inside me &  I’m fighting against myself.

When I stress or get overwhelmed I do regress back to the secret as a horrific coping mechanism. It is awful and it is difficult to describe in words to anyone.  Unless you have walked the same dreadful journey. Which I wouldn’t wish in anyone. No one wants to deal with it, not even me. I hate it. But it is all I know. I was never treated for this illness when I was a young teen as I should of been.  I truly wish someone  would of cared enough about me to have had me treated when I was a young teen so that I would of learned to cope in different with stress.

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The secret is always there hiding in the shadows….. ready to pounce…always there telling you this is the only way to cope….It’s me hurting myself because someone hurt me for years. Totally not logical but sadly how it goes when you don’t receive the love & acceptance you need as a child you never truly learn to love  & accept yourself. These issues of course when they go untreated follow you into adulthood.

Sadly the secret is back. It been back for a few months now. Everyday it interferes with my daily life.  It is brutal and unforgiving. The stress triggers started in August because of Anna’s Birthday, my Depression, Anxiety & Panic Attacks that have intensified over the last few months. Ironically since I cut off the narcissistic abuser out of my life.  I did it to save me from the abuse but my heart still desperately wants to be loved and accepted by this person. A whole-hearted wish that I might someday, there could possibly be, or may eventually be truly loved and accepted by that person. But I know with 100% certainty that there is NEVER ANYWAY possible way to change this person nor can I change the all the pain, the heartbreaking feelings and the lifetime of horrific scars the abuse has left me. Considering this person is a parent. It was and still is a very, very hard decision to cut a parent out of your life. Even though they abused me. It is not a decision I took lightly.

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But what I wanted from that relationship will never EVER happen. My every wish will never come true that we could ever have a real loving relationship. I can not change who this person is or how they treat me. But I can protect myself from their vicious mental,emotional and verbal abuse that they would continue to do to me to this day. It breaks my heart but I know it is the right thing to do for me.

I am grieving a person that isn’t dead (My abuser) just cut out of my life & also the person I have dreamed of that my abuser should of been been for me my entire life. The secret is sadly poorly carrying me through because I am stressed and my head is a mess trying to sort through all the thoughts and emotions of the decision I made.

At least until the rest of me finds another way to accept what was absolutely the Best Choice to protect me.

Do You want to Know My Secret??

My Secret is I am Anorexic.I have lost over 40 pounds in less than 3 months. It is scary and it is a horrible coping mechanism. But I have dealt with this disorder for almost 20 years. I have had times when I am “in recovery” and then times like now that I hurt myself because I am stressed, sad and overwhelmed with everything in life. I just started seeing a therapist in hopes to win this  brutal battle and beat this illness. But it will take time. It will be very, very difficult, it will be a very long journey and it will bring up a lot of pain that I have stuffed away for years. But in the end I know it will be worth it to deal with this pain and be able to move on & be healthy even when I get stressed.

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5 thoughts on “Do you want to know My Secret?

  1. I am so sorry. Please know that I am pulling for you. i hope that writing will help you-whether you choose to share it or not. I will remember you in my prayers. You have a life to live and you are needed by your family and friends. Go well and with courage-Claim the beauty that you rightfully own.

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      1. Healthcare needs an overhaul especially for those that need that need all sorts of good mental health restored. I am pulling for you. I see a beautiful part of you in your writing-and as I said you are needed and valuable. You have something to give this planet and it can only come from you-your unique spirit.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope that you have found recovery again Heidi. I am so cheering for you here. I am an alcoholic and an addict so I can in some ways relate to your difficulties of using something outside myself to try and feel better.

    Thankfully I am close on 9 years clean. I hope you find happiness and the strength to get through this.

    Like

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