Letting Go…

These words have been very hard to write and I have postponed this post for awhile. It is personal, heartfelt, dark and honest. I am releasing my inner most honest heartbroken feelings.  I need to let go of the pain & heartache I carry with me.  It is no secret that I have a very difficult with the one person who should be my biggest fan. I have and always have had very deep, dark & painful feelings about our relationship. I don’t remember every feeling like you wanted me. I feel like you had expectations of who and what you thought I should be but I’ve never measured up to what you wanted. So you used me as your proverbial verbal punching bag.

I was a good kid. I did pretty well in school. I never got in trouble at school and maintained the honor roll through High School. I have never done drugs. I have never even gotten drunk. Even as an adult today, I will have a drink but have never been drunk. I have had one speeding ticket but you know…it happens & I paid my dues.

I feel you became distant and angry with me because of your unmet expectations from very early on in my life.

Did you know that as a young child I thought I was adopted for years??

In my head that explained why I never felt like you wanted me.

All I have ever wanted was for you to love & accept me for who I truly am.

It has been years of never ending battles to try to make peace with you. Whatever short moments of Peace we’ve had have never lasted very long.  No matter what is said or what is done. There are always issues between us. Most of our issues are minuscule because there are many layers of pain & heartache that lie underneath years of more painful & heart crushing feelings.

I ran away from home at 18 and married the man I ran away with almost 2 years later. We now have been married for 16 years & have 4 children together. Our life is not perfect but we love each other and make the best of the life we have together. My quick unknown departure was a surprise to some and others didn’t blame me for leaving. I have no regrets and have apologized to those that this decision has hurt. But it doesn’t matter. I ran away because I couldn’t take you hurting me any longer.

No matter what I do it will never good enough for you.

I know that you will twist my words and feelings around. You’ll make sure other people know that it is me that is the problem, NOT you. You will make sure that you make my pain, heartache, honesty and all that has gone wrong between us my fault. It has and will always will be about how you perceive the way people treat you. It is never about you and the mistakes you have made. Think for a moment how many times your hurtful words/ways have hurt me but you have NEVER once taken any responsibility.  You pretend you have done & said nothing hurtful to me to everyone & anyone who will listen to your lies. That’s just how it always is & always has been. It was behind closed doors where no one could see. Those were the times you hurt me most.

I never expect you to see beyond your own perspective or feelings. In your eyes everything wrong in our relationship has been, is and always will be my fault. But you are wrong. You are the Mother. You are suppose to care for & about me. You are suppose to Love Me unconditionally. You are suppose to support me in life. You choose to have me.

You have never realized the hurt and trauma you cause by never taking responsibility for your actions. You have never once apologized for your actions. I don’t expect you ever will. A true mother does not tear her child down just to build herself up.

I will take my part of the responsibility for my faults in our relationship. I am far from perfect. I apologize for the hurt & heartache I have cause you. I do not understand or know what I can do better to meet your expectations or be a better person/daughter in your eyes.  I have always done the best I can! But I am and always have been NEVER good enough for you.You just get angry and mean no matter what I do.

I have never felt that you have opened your eyes or your heart to think about how your words have hurt me. Verbal abuse is one of the worst kinds. Because you can’t see the scars it leaves. It is a lifetime of scars and pain.

All I have ever wanted is for you to show me you truly love me, accept me, show me unconditional care, support and compassion for me & my feelings. Have you ever took a step back  & tried to understand our relationship from my perspective? Have you ever thought about my feelings or thought about the scars & pain you’ve left within me.  You haven’t because in your eyes you have done no wrong. In your mind its me who’s the problem.

I forgive you. Not because what you have said and done hasn’t left a life time of painful scars. I forgive you for my own emotional and mental well being. I forgive you without any apology because I can not change who you are. I can not change the past. I forgive you for not accepting me for the woman I am today because that is your loss not mine.

I just want you to know that I did not cause Dad’s stroke. A blood clot did. I am not sure why you blame me but I am not to blame for his medical condition. It was no ones fault. Just one example of your how your angry words have hurt me.

I honestly feel that you did the best you could. At this point we will just never see eye to eye. We are two very different people. I’m sorry I am not the worthy daughter you dreamed of or wanted.

I am in a place now where I know I deserve respect. I deserve to be loved. I deserve someone who will support me unconditionally without judgement. I can no longer allow you to hurt me, disapprove of me, my life, my family, my choices or allow you to disrespect me in any way, any longer. I am a grown woman. I will no longer be your proverbial punching bag or be blamed for the reasons why you are unhappy.

I stand up with pride and my head held high of the woman I am today. I’m a great person, Mom, wife & friend. I wish you could see past the anger and disappointment you have for me and open your eyes to see the real me. I wish you would care for me like I’ve seen other Moms do for their grown daughters. But for my own health I have chosen to let it all go. Because I deserve to be free of these heavy burdens from a lifetime of resentment, always being a disappointment to you, and from years of guilt ridden, harsh, painful, disrespectful & hurtful words. I am letting go of all the mental and emotional pain you have caused me.

Today I am letting go of the hope that someday our relationship could be full of unconditional respect, kindness, love & support. I am letting go of the horrible feeling of not ever being good enough for you. I am letting go of the guilt and hurt you have placed on me my entire life. I’m letting go of all the times you’ve been anger with life and taken your anger out on me. I am letting go of the fact that you have never once apologized for hurting me the countless times  you have emotionally and mentally.  I am letting go of the pain, the broken heart and urge to try to have you accept me for who I am.

Today I choose to Let It All Go.

I deserve Respect. I deserve Kindness. I deserves to be Loved. I deserve Acceptance.